I’m losing my way and no one’s prepared to hear it, no one’s prepared to hug me and tell me I’ll be okay. No one’s prepared to even listen to what I have to say because it’s just not important enough— I get it. I’ve grown to learn that most of the people who I trust and would do anything for, more than half the time wouldn’t return the same for me.
I’m currently at a boiling point and I’m lost and confused and literally have nothing to lose. At most times when I hit a pit it’ll be either one or two out the triangle or friends, family, somewhatrelationshipwhatever. Nothing SUCKS more than having all three fall apart in a matter of weeks and not having anywhere else to turn to or anyone else to turn to.
Since about a year ago when I tried to get past my depression, I began to teach myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. To stop thinking “why me?” and instead think “why not me?” I still try to think like that now but when everything’s falling apart, not working in my favour and causing me to lose it I don’t know what to do anymore.
My family’s fallen into a deeper pit of destruction and I can say it’s the worst that it’s ever been in my life. I pray almost every single day for my brother, wondering how much longer it’ll take for him to go over board. He’s been on drugs, drinking and self medicating with all sorts of stuff which led to him running away from home and I haven’t seen or heard from him in three weeks.
My parents have been divorced for over 12 years and about three years ago we all thought the storm had calmed when for the first time in my life I ever witnessed my mom and dad get along. But now, it’s as bad if not worse than it ever was before.
I know I shouldn’t do this but I always go back to that place in my mind— I become that little girl who blamed herself for her parents’ divorce from such a young age and that feeling never leaves me, it honestly taunts me.
I give so much for all of my friends, even when I’m having the shittiest day and my mind isn’t in the right state and all I can think about are my issues at home and what’s going on with my family, I put that all aside to be there for whoever needs me because I’m a giver— I’m a giver and I never stop to think about myself.
In the past month or so, I’ve come down to eating one meal a day and getting three hours of sleep if I’m lucky. No one around me bothers to care or notice that somethings up with me and I’m not okay. I’m hurting deep inside and I feel like I have to keep acting like I’m fine; I constantly feel like I’m not ALLOWED to feel pain, I don’t feel valued.
The worst part for me is at the end of the dayafter spending my day faking smiles and pushing everything aside— I usually just come home and cry. I sit here and silence and just cry my eyes out and feel worthless and lonely. I hate being alone because that means my thoughts have the freedom to roam around and they usually come up with negative thoughts.
I’m having trouble sleeping because I close my eyes and see horrible things. Last night I dreamt that my brother died because of drugs and I woke up crying.
I just want to be somewhat happy. I’ve taken 5 steps forward and then 20 giant steps back and it’s the worst that it’s been in a while.
I just need someone to listen because I’m literally losing it.
have you ever fallen in love with someone because of their voice
and idk why not; I’ve been doing that thing again where I bottle shit up and hide my feelings and then don’t understand when I burst and go completely insane.
I guess I could say since the last time I blogged here, I’m in a happier place and I have been a lot happier. Of course I still have a lot of stuff and issues that I still need to deal with and get over but I’m getting there slowly but surely.
This school year I started this whole being optimistic thing and it’s really working out for me. My friendships are growing and I really know who’s there for me. ALSO I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve grown a lot and I realise that over the past year or two I have been really immature and somewhat dramatic in the way I acted and the way I thought.
The boy and I are actually really good friends which is a huge turn around from last year :) We talk all the time and we’re just a lot closer. At this point he considers me a good friend and someone he can confide in. He even cried with me and told me some stuff that he wouldn’t trust any of his friends with. I’ve started to not look at him like a ”crush” anymore. He’s a human being, even more he’s my FRIEND. At this point I’m happy the way we are— I don’t want to fuck up what we’ve got going on right now with my shit.
My family’s becoming a lot closer, much like we were 3 or 4 years ago and I’m generally in a happy place.
Even though, I still have my days were I feel completely useless and like total shit. I need to work on my confidence and how I see myself because I realise that at this point if I don’t learn to love myself no one ever will. But it takes time. And I’m on my way there.
Have you ever laid on your bed at night, and just cried? Cried because you’re ugly. Because you’re not good enough. You counted all your flaws from head to toe, to punish and feel worse about yourself. Cried because the comments people blurt out, actually hurt your feelings. You don’t want to be a burden, so you bottled it all up. Around people, you’re the happiest ray of sun shine. But nobody knows, that at night when you’re alone, you break down and just cry.